These past few days feels like the upheaval of feelings which I never knew existed within me. An intense and focused practice coupled with the new environment and being away from home has a tendency to do so to almost any yoga practitioners I know. I had expected this, but I hadn’t thought it would come so soon.
So many different thoughts crossed through my mind since I started practicing here in Mysore. From “I feel like I could progress faster at home, why am I here again??” to “I don’t think I’m going to learn anything new here” to “So ok now it seems pretty much real that my spine is not as normal as everyone else, right, now that headstand seems like lightyears away from me”.
Amazing how easily the ego takes over of all sensibility, clouds the clarity of my initial intentions of coming here and deciding to study with Saraswathi (to deepen my practice, to be closer to the source of origin, to the lineage of Ashtanga). Saraswathi is the daughter to Shri K Pattabhi Jois who founded the system of Ashtanga Yoga as it is known today. He passed away in 2009. Certainly, I could not get any much more closer to the source than this. It doesn’t help either that there are common conversational topics surrounding authorizations and certifications which can only be given to you by Guruji’s grandson and director of KPJAYI, Sharath. And this is only likely if you were to be studying directly with him.
It doesn’t matter if my initial intentions of coming to Mysore does not include getting an authorization, it doesn’t matter all that I ever want by coming here is to remove myself from my hectic daily schedule and focus entirely on my practice, it seems like NOW I should be focusing my efforts on getting an authorization too.
So much for independent thinking.
I do understand these struggles are minor, though very real in its essence. I realise it is one of those things that I will need to face and work through one way or the other. Whether it’s through having a sudden desire to ‘get authorized’ or the full acceptance of my physiology and working my practice to support rather than worsen the situation. I am lucky in that I am surrounded by people who understands these challenges that may clearly appear extremely trivial to others. H here has been straight up with her advice, kind but straightforward nevertheless. It seemed like a prophecy when she told me on the first day we arrived “Be clear on your intentions of being here because as the days roll by, it is very easy to forget why you are here in the first place”. I had no idea what she was referring to then, but heck I think I’m starting to understand now.
D, I suppose picked up on the vibes from our chats that he decided to call today to tell me of his own yoga journey. I hadn’t heard his voice since his last visit in August and what a breath of fresh air it felt like. “Just remember that you are there to reset and refocus on your own intentions to teach, so that you can come back and share these with others. Don’t worry what others are doing”.
And that was precisely the root of all these busy thoughts. Distractions. Which then clouds my own clarity. When I was telling H today about my observation of another Ashtangi, her amused reaction was “you notice a LOT of things around you during your practice! I wonder where your drishti is!”. Ah. Exactly. My drishti, my point of focus has been everywhere but on the point I should be focusing on. It is the reason why I noticed other people’s practice but manage to forget 4 full standing poses from my own. It is the reason why I feel scattered and not grounded in my own practice. And it is precisely the reason why I am wanting things that I never really actually want in the first place.
And so tomorrow, I shall begin Day 8 with 2 things in mind. Drishti and mindfulness. I am hoping for the best.
What are your distraction? And what are your initial intentions that you felt is now lost beneath all the distractions?