Post Vikasa, I have been trying to recalibrate my experiences and all that I’ve learned into the existing life that I had before I left a month ago. And to be absolutely honest, it has been very very hard. Not in a sense that I can’t seem to carry on my daily tasks, but more in the form of facing the rising questions that keeps surfacing in each silent moment I have with myself. When I wake up in the morning, and before I begin my pranayamas. When I get into my car to drive to work in the morning. When I get caught in the horrendous traffic trying to figure how it is possible that it takes me 1 hour to get home on a drive that usually takes 15 minutes. When I am walking towards the office. When I am sitting across someone who is trying to explain to me what needs to be done, or in a meeting and my mind gives up trying to decipher what is being discussed because the idea of teaching, and the idea of growing stronger every day practicing what I love the most – the idea of being involved in my own health and spreading similar messages to others is far more interesting to be entertained within the walls of my mind.
“WHY do I not feel authentic doing this anymore?”
Of course the answer to that question is pretty damn straightforward given the path that I just came from recently. But the questions that follow like “right, so where to from here?”, “where will the money come from??” and “surely, there MUST be a way to find a middle ground between what supplies me with a sense of achievement and money and what nourishes me and provides me peace, right? RIGHT?”
Before the TTC took place, I had many moments when I would escape from my workstation in an effort to run away from the intense pressure emanating within the team for a while, and stare our the window from the women’s bathroom (YES, the public bathroom) which overlooks a great big forested land across the river. I would day dream of owning a patch of the land and building my own sala and studio, Minangkabau style, with dark teak flooring and beams (sorry, not so hijau I know, I’ll most probably make it up by using eco friendly yoga mats for my students).
Today, I found myself doing the exact same thing again.
I had been meditating on the fact that I am Patience, in the last week at Vikasa all throughout this week when I got home. Amazingly, patience takes on a multitude of form. Patience with asanas and my practice on one day. Patience with the limitations of my strength the next. Patience with deliverance from the universe, and allowing God to reveal the next steps towards finally having my own practice, a stable foundation of students and clients and a steady stream of income coming from that very source. Of course, these days, it’s also patience with the crazy driver-zillas on the road too..
With patience, I’ve come to understand that it needs to be strongly supported by belief and faith. Because what separates complacency and patience, is believing that it will happen while simultaneously putting an effort into it. Of course, meditating on one thought always springs up a song in my head. On this occasion it’s Gavin Degraw’s awesome acoustic version of Belief:
I’m going to yell it from the rooftops
I’ll wear a sign on my chest
That’s the least I can do